Desi Problems versus White People Problems

Last summer when I took the animals offspring to the park one beautiful lazy Saturday, I overheard a ‘white guy’ conversation about ‘white people’ problems. He was complaining about what a pain in the ass his ex-wife was. I felt sorry for him, of course I don’t know what her side of the story was. Maybe he was just a pathological liar. Some months later in a different park, I overheard a conversation between a young wife and her husband. I wonder of this makes me a pathological eavesdropper?

Anyways she was very loudly telling her husband just what she thought of him. Both these people had a lot of complaints and it was funny to me because ‘desi people’ problems are so ridiculously extreme compared to (some) white people problems.

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White Husband Problem: “Man my wife was so pissed, I forgot our anniversary again!”

Desi Husband Problem:  “Vat the hell is this? You call this roti? I wouldn’t feed this to dog on street! I’m going to my sister’s house!”

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White Wife Problem:  “My husband is such a jerk, he never puts the dishes away after washing them! I am so totally fed up of his crappy habits!”

Desi Wife Problem: “Hai Rubba! Vite men vash dishes?!”

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White People Problem: “Oh my God I still can’t decide where we are going to go for vacation this summer and I need to book seats or we won’t get them in time!”

Desi People Problem: “Niagara Falls? Do you know how much ve vill have to pay for parking just to see all that vater go down a cliff? Ven it starts going up, tell me, I vill pay to see that.”

White Mom in the Morning: “Honey wake up or we are going to be late!”

Desi Mom in the Morning: “Oye kumbakhton! Get up lazy good for nothings before I bring jug of ice vater!”

White Girl Problem: “My mom said I can’t have like more than $300 to buy a dress for the semi-formal can you like believe that?”

Desi Girl Problem: Desi Mom to Daughter : “Semi-formal, vat semi-formal? How do you expect to be a doctor if you are always out for mutter gush and not studying?”

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Would you like to add any problems?

(all pics from Google..just google Desi problems!)

Desi Mom: Parenting 101

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I was born and (mostly) raised in Canada. My parents were clueless FOBs (fresh off the boat) and I blame them for my thoroughly awkward upbringing.  I was a total geeky loser in school, yes right up to high school. My post is absolutely not related to my traumatized childhood, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

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In the many years I spent in Pakistan I learned the importance of plastic shopping bags and yogurt containers. Also that if you aren’t quick at weddings when they signal dinner, you will find there is no coke left. Or chicken broast. So don’t be shy.

Raising five monsters kids in Karachi has given me, besides nerves of steel and the amazing ability to not go pee for  48 hours, some multicultural expertise I feel I must bestow on non-desi moms.

1. You can live without water: When there is no electricity for 9 hours straight you can count on running out of water. The kids need a shower. What the hell do you think baby powder was invented for? Douse those little buggers with it. Sprinkle it in their puppy dog smelling hair and dust it out. Not only will the greasiness be replaced with powderiness, the powder will absorb all further sweating. Inevitable since there’s no electricity and its 40 degrees in the house.

2. Never throw away plastic bags: Keep plastic bags handy in the car, in all your handbags and purses even in your jeans’ pockets. Teenager 2 always got car sick as a little boy. I could catch his involuntary projectile of gastric juice without blinking. Plastic bags are also good for when there is no gas station on a road trip. Or if you are in Karachi, where the gas stations are so dirty your child would prefer to poop his pants.

3. Don’t buy toys: You know very well that once the box is opened it takes about 3 and a half minutes for the charm of that $35 toy to disappear completely. My mother-in-law could keep Middle Child busy for hours with her empty plastic pill containers. The allure lay in the fact that the containers could be closed and opened again and again and again and….

4. Kids need to be spanked: Your kid needs to know you are the boss. If you think “let’s talk about what you are feeling right now” and “we need to think about the consequences” is working than you are a dummy mummy. That is Junior knowing he got away with it by showing remorse he certainly doesn’t feel, he or she is already planning the next escapade. Spank that kid! Just ask Russel Peters…”Somebody’s a gonna get a hurt!”

5. A good sweater can be used for at least four siblings. Oh yes I did. In the span of ten years. We still have the sweater.

6. Never praise your kids in their presence: Always ask them why they can’t be more like your sister’s children, your cousin’s children, your neighbor’s children, your brother-in-law’s children, anybody’s children. It keeps them competitive, no of course it will not hurt their self-esteem.

7. Always one up other moms: Don’t let your sister, your cousin, your neighbor or anyone else have the last word on their children’s achievements. Whatever they say is 50% exaggeration, beat them with their own rules. Example? Your child got her black belt last year. So what if she was only five?

Stay posted for more Desi tips.

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Family

Family is….

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The little family that my family raised. And…

 

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A family watching a family. And…

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A family of capybaras snapped by my family.

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Twin 1′s rendition of her family.

 

I don’t share my Smarties

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I have absolutely no shame about this. I keep a stash of chocolate that I don’t share with anyone. Especially not the kids, ’cause I don’t want them to get cavities and stuff you know. Every mom needs this stash of something just for her. A stash of her favorite thing that she should eat without feeling guilty. This time I got Smarties from Dollarama. 

I kept it in my coat pocket. Yesterday when I walked the girls home from school, I sneakily ate those candy coated little bits of heaven while muahahaing inside. I felt like such a rebel.

“Ha ha ha. I am eating Smarties by myself and you guys have no idea!” Evil Me said inside my head.

“Mommy are you listening to me?” Asked Twin 1.

“Of course I am honeybun.” I smiled innocently at her, Evil Me muahahad again.

If you want to keep your sanity while dealing with all the craziness involved in raising children you need to treat yourself often.

If you are married to a Desi guy you need to indulge yourself in some secret luxury everyday. While you slave over the kitchen on the weekends while he does nothing (Desi men don’t help with house work) you can secretly gloat over the fact that you didn’t wash his 10 pairs of jeans. You just threw them in the dryer with lots of fabric freshening sheets. Oh yes I did.

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“Muahahahaha!”

 

Please don’t push your nestlings out of the nest!

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(Image from The Guardian)

Co-Sleeping Benefits

You have brought your bundle of joy home from the hospital. You have a beautifully decorated room, and a crib you finally approved (your husband has still not recovered from your trip to nutsville). Now  if you put that tiny cherub in that crib with a monitor while you sleep in the next room….I don’t know who you are, but I will find you!

No, not after a couple of months either! I don’t care if you are the President’s personal secretary and need your space, sleep, silence, have to be fully functional the next day, whatever. You are a mother first. You signed up for this, you weren’t forced into it unless of course you are some weird real life version of Anastasia Steele or something creepy like that.

That gift of God has been inside you for nine months, listening to your heart, feeling your warmth, the closest any living thing will ever be to you (besides your mother). You can’t just snatch that away. I know what some of you may be thinking, it’s dangerous. That is why you were given common sense, now please start using it. You may have to make a few adjustments in your room, do it.

Studies have shown that co-sleeping is beneficial and children who co-sleep with their parents as infants are more independent and confident than those who didn’t get that security. Most Asian parents co-sleep with their infants and children usually move into their own beds when they are toddlers or a little older. Breast feeding and cuddling have both been linked to higher IQs in children. It is so much easier for Mommy if the child is sleeping with her. So before you decide to put your baby in a room by themselves, please do a little research.

More Snow!

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We had more snow :) Anyways I was able to write some chapters. Hurray. Whoopie. I am still not finished. I ended up reading loads of news and conspiracy theories that should cause plenty of anxiety and depression. But not for people who love snow. So while the world may be heading for disaster, I will enjoy the snow. And everything else because when you have lived as long as I have in a city like Karachi you are a certified “I can live through anything” so might as well enjoy the ride.

A couple of days ago when the offspring were afflicted with sniffles and coughs I had to hold them down and pour disgusting purple colored grape smelling syrups through funnels I jammed in their mouths.

Twin 2: “If Mommy was my kid, I’d make her drink this stuff ALL THE TIME!” She was reasonably upset.

Well it comes with the season, can’t avoid it. But here is a better tasting alternative :http://khaulamazhar.wordpress.com/2012/10/16/aachoo-season/ If you can get the kids to drink this it is really good for them. Besides being good for colds ginger and turmeric are good for detoxifying other icky stuff you don’t want running rampant in your body. Happy Snow!

 

 

 

Spelling Bee

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Okay I didn’t have a bee costume. So spelling Fairy.

 

Twin One:  I asked Patchy (our cat) two questions and she got them both right!

Me:  Wow she must be a smart cat.

Twin One:  She is. I am smart too.

Me:  Yes I think you are pretty smart.

Twin One:  I can spell Birthday. I learnt it myself b-i-r-t-h and then d-a-y!

Me: (In the most impressed tone possible) Wow. That is great!

Twin One:  You know what else I can spell?

Me:  Tell me.

Twin One:  I can also spell  dog pooh. D-o-g  p-o-o-h!

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(Bee sticker photo courtesy of Twin One)

God Bless Schools for Finally Opening

During the summer vacation I finished writing my awesome book, impressed every agent I queried, landed a million dollar …no two million dollar book deal and my book is out this October. Hah! I joke. I woke up late every morning to the sound of squabbling, made a large breakfast for all the offspring, tried in vain to broom Cheerios from every corner of the house, ignored lunch time and convinced myself everyone needed to diet, pretended to be deaf while teenager complained about everything and under twelves fought about everything, tried out new exotic recipes for dinner amid constant pleas for mercy and ended the day by watching Netflix till my eyes could not be forced to stay open any longer. During all this excitement we also had Ramadan and we moved. For some mysterious reason husband decided this was the best time to not hire movers. Have mini-van will move.

ME: “Who the hell is gonna pick up all the heavy stuff?”

HIM: “We don’t have heavy stuff.”

ME: “What about the furniture?”

HIM:”We aren’t taking it.”

Silence.

ME: “Well we can’t leave it here and they charge you to have someone come pick it up, then we have to buy new furniture… so how is that saving money?”

Silence.

ME: “I’ll sell it.”

HIM: Laughing. Laughing some more. Still laughing. “No one is going to buy all that junk!”

ME: ( 10 days later holding up a large sum of money all fanned out, singing “I love it” in my head) “Look at all the money I made selling the ‘junk’.” I love Kijiji.

Kijiji is so addictive, you can sell anything there. I am thinking of selling the kids and husband as a ‘buy five get one free’ deal.

Other summer vacation stuff:

The beach, a birthday, Mississauga celebration square, the zoo, Niagara Falls….

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What did you guys do in summer vacation?

 

Where the Wild Things Are

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Today is Maurice Sendak’s birthday. I have five wild things. I live where the wild things are. Wild Cauliflower has some Palestinian friends, they’ve been enlightening her on some of their customs. They ululate when they are really happy. I had no idea what that was, so Cauliflower demonstrated in the car while we were parked outside FoodBasics surrounded by other people sitting in their cars listening. Wild things can often be very embarrassing, but I like being where the wild things are.