Extreme Parenting or How to Fix Your Obnoxious Brat

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You know that parent you find in random aisles when you go shopping? The one with a UNICEF Ambassador’s concerned expression and the tact of a woodland creature surrounded by hungry wolves?

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Their child is sprawled on the floor causing a ruckus that would shame a South American howler monkey. And they stand there being a good parent and continue to give this writhing, howling hell child “choices”.

“Honey, you can’t have both, you have to make a choice. Do you want the (sugar laden, cavity causing, hyper-activity trigger) cereal (made with loads of genetically modified stuff) or do  you want the (excessively salty) chips (full of saturated fatty acids that will be sure to make you a candidate for cardiovascular diseases in the future) ?”

Devil spawn gets up glares at the parent and knocks down everything on the bottom two shelves. Because it couldn’t reach any higher than that. Not effective parenting.

I say, yes give the child choices. In fact I would give the child three choices.

“I can either whoop your ass: 1 here, 2 at home or 3 you can shut up.”

Being a bad ass parent literally means you have to be bad ass.

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My dad’s cousins were bad ass mothers. These aunts of mine, they are oh so awesome! To this day they evoke respect and can make their grown sons shake in their boots. They believed in extreme parenting. Once one of their very young sons let them know that the story about the stork bringing babies was a lie, babies came from tummies. My aunt’s reply?

“Really? Well come here and I’ll cut your tummy open, let’s see how many babies we can find.”

Needless to say, the son never questioned the authenticity of her explanations again. Their children did not throw tantrums. Sometimes being extreme is the best option.

Some Extremely Effective Options:

1. Your child needs to go pee and refuses to acknowledge this. Options:

“Honey your bladder will burst and you will have a pipe attached to a pee pee bag that you will carry around for the rest of your life. Or you can go to the bathroom and save me a trip to the hospital.”

2. Your child can’t fall asleep because it is too hot. Even with the A.C working perfectly. Options:

“Honey I can stick you in the freezer. Or you can just go to sleep in your bed. Immediately.”

3. Your child can’t fall asleep because it is too cold. Replace ‘freezer’ with ‘oven’ in above option.

4. Your child is unhappy with you because you are an unfair mother. Options:

Pack a bag with some of their clothes and drive them to an ominous looking building. “This is the place for children with moms that aren’t fair. There are no x-boxes, no ipods, no birthday parties and no snacks ever. They are served only with leftovers, they wash their own dishes and clothes, and no one tucks them in at night or tells them stories. You can stay here or you can come back with me and live with my rules.”

Teens?

5. Your teenagers don’t listen. Ever. They don’t even deserve an option, post their bare bummed baby pics on Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter. Don’t forget to tag them. Another great pic is the ‘first time on potty’ pic.

6. They forgot to take out the trash? Dump it on their bed, that should improve their memory.

7. They don’t put away their stuff? Throw it in the driveway.

8. They don’t like what you cook? Kick them out of the dining room and lock the pantry. After two days of starving everything will taste gourmet.

And every night at bedtime don’t forget to tell them how much you love them. BTW I have used #s 1, 2,3,4, and 7. Extremely effective.

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(all pics from Google Images)

Desi Mom: Parenting 101

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I was born and (mostly) raised in Canada. My parents were clueless FOBs (fresh off the boat) and I blame them for my thoroughly awkward upbringing.  I was a total geeky loser in school, yes right up to high school. My post is absolutely not related to my traumatized childhood, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

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In the many years I spent in Pakistan I learned the importance of plastic shopping bags and yogurt containers. Also that if you aren’t quick at weddings when they signal dinner, you will find there is no coke left. Or chicken broast. So don’t be shy.

Raising five monsters kids in Karachi has given me, besides nerves of steel and the amazing ability to not go pee for  48 hours, some multicultural expertise I feel I must bestow on non-desi moms.

1. You can live without water: When there is no electricity for 9 hours straight you can count on running out of water. The kids need a shower. What the hell do you think baby powder was invented for? Douse those little buggers with it. Sprinkle it in their puppy dog smelling hair and dust it out. Not only will the greasiness be replaced with powderiness, the powder will absorb all further sweating. Inevitable since there’s no electricity and its 40 degrees in the house.

2. Never throw away plastic bags: Keep plastic bags handy in the car, in all your handbags and purses even in your jeans’ pockets. Teenager 2 always got car sick as a little boy. I could catch his involuntary projectile of gastric juice without blinking. Plastic bags are also good for when there is no gas station on a road trip. Or if you are in Karachi, where the gas stations are so dirty your child would prefer to poop his pants.

3. Don’t buy toys: You know very well that once the box is opened it takes about 3 and a half minutes for the charm of that $35 toy to disappear completely. My mother-in-law could keep Middle Child busy for hours with her empty plastic pill containers. The allure lay in the fact that the containers could be closed and opened again and again and again and….

4. Kids need to be spanked: Your kid needs to know you are the boss. If you think “let’s talk about what you are feeling right now” and “we need to think about the consequences” is working than you are a dummy mummy. That is Junior knowing he got away with it by showing remorse he certainly doesn’t feel, he or she is already planning the next escapade. Spank that kid! Just ask Russel Peters…”Somebody’s a gonna get a hurt!”

5. A good sweater can be used for at least four siblings. Oh yes I did. In the span of ten years. We still have the sweater.

6. Never praise your kids in their presence: Always ask them why they can’t be more like your sister’s children, your cousin’s children, your neighbor’s children, your brother-in-law’s children, anybody’s children. It keeps them competitive, no of course it will not hurt their self-esteem.

7. Always one up other moms: Don’t let your sister, your cousin, your neighbor or anyone else have the last word on their children’s achievements. Whatever they say is 50% exaggeration, beat them with their own rules. Example? Your child got her black belt last year. So what if she was only five?

Stay posted for more Desi tips.

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Weekly Writing Challenge: Lunch Posts

Hungry Little Monsters:A Lunch Post

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After wasting time I decided to write,
looking at the clock I had a great fright.
It was time for hungry offspring to return from school,
I had to cook lunch! This is so uncool.
I panicked I flipped,
Into the kitchen I tripped.
What to cook,
I trembled, I shook.
Last time lunch was delayed,
Twin 2, on my shin she preyed!

 

I don’t share my Smarties

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I have absolutely no shame about this. I keep a stash of chocolate that I don’t share with anyone. Especially not the kids, ’cause I don’t want them to get cavities and stuff you know. Every mom needs this stash of something just for her. A stash of her favorite thing that she should eat without feeling guilty. This time I got Smarties from Dollarama. 

I kept it in my coat pocket. Yesterday when I walked the girls home from school, I sneakily ate those candy coated little bits of heaven while muahahaing inside. I felt like such a rebel.

“Ha ha ha. I am eating Smarties by myself and you guys have no idea!” Evil Me said inside my head.

“Mommy are you listening to me?” Asked Twin 1.

“Of course I am honeybun.” I smiled innocently at her, Evil Me muahahad again.

If you want to keep your sanity while dealing with all the craziness involved in raising children you need to treat yourself often.

If you are married to a Desi guy you need to indulge yourself in some secret luxury everyday. While you slave over the kitchen on the weekends while he does nothing (Desi men don’t help with house work) you can secretly gloat over the fact that you didn’t wash his 10 pairs of jeans. You just threw them in the dryer with lots of fabric freshening sheets. Oh yes I did.

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“Muahahahaha!”

 

Please don’t push your nestlings out of the nest!

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(Image from The Guardian)

Co-Sleeping Benefits

You have brought your bundle of joy home from the hospital. You have a beautifully decorated room, and a crib you finally approved (your husband has still not recovered from your trip to nutsville). Now  if you put that tiny cherub in that crib with a monitor while you sleep in the next room….I don’t know who you are, but I will find you!

No, not after a couple of months either! I don’t care if you are the President’s personal secretary and need your space, sleep, silence, have to be fully functional the next day, whatever. You are a mother first. You signed up for this, you weren’t forced into it unless of course you are some weird real life version of Anastasia Steele or something creepy like that.

That gift of God has been inside you for nine months, listening to your heart, feeling your warmth, the closest any living thing will ever be to you (besides your mother). You can’t just snatch that away. I know what some of you may be thinking, it’s dangerous. That is why you were given common sense, now please start using it. You may have to make a few adjustments in your room, do it.

Studies have shown that co-sleeping is beneficial and children who co-sleep with their parents as infants are more independent and confident than those who didn’t get that security. Most Asian parents co-sleep with their infants and children usually move into their own beds when they are toddlers or a little older. Breast feeding and cuddling have both been linked to higher IQs in children. It is so much easier for Mommy if the child is sleeping with her. So before you decide to put your baby in a room by themselves, please do a little research.

Attention Moms!

I had planned on posting something different, but I came across this and felt it is very important. Some time ago I got a letter from the Public Health Services. It was for a vaccination for my teenage daughter. I misplaced the letter and forgot about it. I am glad I did.

Otherwise I would have just gone and gotten my daughter vaccinated without any questions. But since I have started this novel I am writing I have been reading endless news articles that you won’t find on the evening news, conspiracy theories, cover ups, and stuff that just makes you wonder about the things you thought you knew. I have started to question and I feel like I am waking up.

I found the letter and decided to read about this vaccine, we didn’t have it when we were kids. It is the HPV vaccine. If you have not gotten your kids vaccinated then don’t, at least not before you see these links. I have decided I am not going to risk my daughter’s health or even life, you can decide for yourself.

What They Don’t Want You To Know About HPV Vaccines (Videos)

30 stunning facts they don’t want you to know about Gardasil and HPV vaccines

Learn more: http://naturalnews.com/037154_Gardasil_HPV_vaccines_scientific_facts.html##ixzz2kRxNQkZV

 

Gardasil – the Cervical Cancer Vaccine? FDA Approval Not Based On Actual Cancer Prevention

There are tons of other articles if you are still not sure, however after watching the video I had made my decision. I hope this post was helpful to moms out there, please share so others can benefit.

(Google image of Emile Munier oil painting)

Spelling Bee

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Okay I didn’t have a bee costume. So spelling Fairy.

 

Twin One:  I asked Patchy (our cat) two questions and she got them both right!

Me:  Wow she must be a smart cat.

Twin One:  She is. I am smart too.

Me:  Yes I think you are pretty smart.

Twin One:  I can spell Birthday. I learnt it myself b-i-r-t-h and then d-a-y!

Me: (In the most impressed tone possible) Wow. That is great!

Twin One:  You know what else I can spell?

Me:  Tell me.

Twin One:  I can also spell  dog pooh. D-o-g  p-o-o-h!

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(Bee sticker photo courtesy of Twin One)

Dear parents, you need to control your kids. Sincerely, non-parents

khaula mazhar:

This was so good I had to reblog it.

Originally posted on The Matt Walsh Blog:

To the fan I lost yesterday:

I don’t owe you an explanation, but I thought I’d offer one anyway. I do this more for your sake than mine. You see, maybe, as you later suggested, I was in a bad mood. Maybe I could have been a bit more polite about it. Maybe I’m more sensitive to it now that I have kids. Maybe I’m just sick of hearing these comments about parents. Maybe I know that my wife has to take the twins with her when she goes grocery shopping sometimes, so she could easily be on the receiving end of your sort of bullying. Maybe I took it personally.

Whatever the case, there I was, walking down the aisles of the grocery store looking for the ingredients for a new chili recipe I wanted to try. I heard the kid screaming from a distance; the whole store heard…

View original 1,453 more words

Fast Food

I have two posts due thanks to these:

Reader Appreciation Award

Thank you Meg at Dear Crazy Kids

Thanks Kate at Cape Cod Scribe.

I like these awards they make your blog look intellectual. People will look at it and say stuff like:

“Like omg look at all those awards I bet she like totally knows everything about everything.”

“I know right? Let’s like follow her!”

“Totally.”

Anyways I will get to answering the million questions involved later. I need to talk about fast food. In my dictionary that is not burgers, hot dogs, fries or pizza. That is all “okay to eat once in a while ’cause I work my butt off all the time cooking balanced diet healthy food”.

Fast food is the stuff that can be prepared before my kids turn into cannibals and start eating me. I swear to God nobody comes to the table no matter how hard I holler ‘dinner is ready’ with the table set perfectly, adorned with intoxicatingly aromatic food items. They are just never hungry. But if I am running late for some reason they all turn into ravenous beasts.

It happened a couple of days ago. I was forced to quickly improvise because one of my twins had started chewing on my ankle. I find the things I just make up seem to turn out pretty good.

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I call this Chicken and Veggies. By chef me.

It took about 15 min for the chicken to get done, 5 for the veggies and 5 more to get things to the table whilst dragging the child gnawing through my ankle bone along with me back and forth and yes this sentence is too long.

It tasted really good, the kids actually admitted that it was ok. Which means it was really good, every plate was licked clean. So I hope this can help some mom in need.

Ingredients

Chicken (quantity directly proportional to double amount of hungry cannibals)

Salt to taste

Paprika to taste

Red chilli powder to taste

Garlic fresh or powder ( I like lots, but a couple of cloves or 3/4 of a teaspoon should do it)

Lemon ( I use the adorable little green key limes- I used one, but half is good for less chicken)

Turmeric (optional- I am semi desi so I always have it on hand and it is good for you 1/2 teaspoon)

Flour

Steps

Rub the chicken with everything but the flour. Talk to yourself as if you are Jamie Oliver or Nigella doing a show. Things seem to go faster. Pour yourself a glass of grape juice in a wine glass if you decide to do Nigella. Stick your fingers into everything, taste it then wipe on apron if you do Jamie.

Dust the chicken with flour and place it expertly in a skillet with hot oil that is waiting to receive it. ie heat the oil first.

Keep the conversation going in an English accent. Take a sip of grape juice. Sniff the chicken and say something like “lovely” or “aromatic”

Fry on high and turn over when done on one side. Check to see if  it is done before it starts to turn black.

You will have a lot of juices from the chicken, chop up any veggies you like and throw them in. Add a little sea salt. I don’t know why. But my mom says it is really healthy. She just moved in with me. She brought a never-ending supply of sea salt. I want to get rid of it as soon as possible.

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I used onions, bell pepper, mushrooms, tomatoes and jalapeno peppers. TIp: I buy a good supply of these veggies, they are always on hand along with garlic, ginger, broccoli, lettuce and celery. I was veggies and store them in plastic containers. This saves me a lot of time. Storing mushrooms in paper bags is good. They never go bad. That doesn’t mean you try to keep them for a month. Having a good supply of spices also helps. Turmeric is good for you. Now go out and buy some.

I had some pasta left over from the afternoon. You can serve it with dirty rice too. I managed to make a salad when twin 2 fell off my arm with a chunk of my flesh wedged in her teeth.

My husband is 100% desi. So I also had to cook these

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Chapati. Roti. Whole wheat tortilla. Whatever.

You can add any of this stuff

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It makes the table look fancy and fools the kids into thinking this was harder to put together then it actually was.

Let me know if you try it out!