Fast Food

I have two posts due thanks to these:

Reader Appreciation Award

Thank you Meg at Dear Crazy Kids

Thanks Kate at Cape Cod Scribe.

I like these awards they make your blog look intellectual. People will look at it and say stuff like:

“Like omg look at all those awards I bet she like totally knows everything about everything.”

“I know right? Let’s like follow her!”

“Totally.”

Anyways I will get to answering the million questions involved later. I need to talk about fast food. In my dictionary that is not burgers, hot dogs, fries or pizza. That is all “okay to eat once in a while ’cause I work my butt off all the time cooking balanced diet healthy food”.

Fast food is the stuff that can be prepared before my kids turn into cannibals and start eating me. I swear to God nobody comes to the table no matter how hard I holler ‘dinner is ready’ with the table set perfectly, adorned with intoxicatingly aromatic food items. They are just never hungry. But if I am running late for some reason they all turn into ravenous beasts.

It happened a couple of days ago. I was forced to quickly improvise because one of my twins had started chewing on my ankle. I find the things I just make up seem to turn out pretty good.

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I call this Chicken and Veggies. By chef me.

It took about 15 min for the chicken to get done, 5 for the veggies and 5 more to get things to the table whilst dragging the child gnawing through my ankle bone along with me back and forth and yes this sentence is too long.

It tasted really good, the kids actually admitted that it was ok. Which means it was really good, every plate was licked clean. So I hope this can help some mom in need.

Ingredients

Chicken (quantity directly proportional to double amount of hungry cannibals)

Salt to taste

Paprika to taste

Red chilli powder to taste

Garlic fresh or powder ( I like lots, but a couple of cloves or 3/4 of a teaspoon should do it)

Lemon ( I use the adorable little green key limes- I used one, but half is good for less chicken)

Turmeric (optional- I am semi desi so I always have it on hand and it is good for you 1/2 teaspoon)

Flour

Steps

Rub the chicken with everything but the flour. Talk to yourself as if you are Jamie Oliver or Nigella doing a show. Things seem to go faster. Pour yourself a glass of grape juice in a wine glass if you decide to do Nigella. Stick your fingers into everything, taste it then wipe on apron if you do Jamie.

Dust the chicken with flour and place it expertly in a skillet with hot oil that is waiting to receive it. ie heat the oil first.

Keep the conversation going in an English accent. Take a sip of grape juice. Sniff the chicken and say something like “lovely” or “aromatic”

Fry on high and turn over when done on one side. Check to see if  it is done before it starts to turn black.

You will have a lot of juices from the chicken, chop up any veggies you like and throw them in. Add a little sea salt. I don’t know why. But my mom says it is really healthy. She just moved in with me. She brought a never-ending supply of sea salt. I want to get rid of it as soon as possible.

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I used onions, bell pepper, mushrooms, tomatoes and jalapeno peppers. TIp: I buy a good supply of these veggies, they are always on hand along with garlic, ginger, broccoli, lettuce and celery. I was veggies and store them in plastic containers. This saves me a lot of time. Storing mushrooms in paper bags is good. They never go bad. That doesn’t mean you try to keep them for a month. Having a good supply of spices also helps. Turmeric is good for you. Now go out and buy some.

I had some pasta left over from the afternoon. You can serve it with dirty rice too. I managed to make a salad when twin 2 fell off my arm with a chunk of my flesh wedged in her teeth.

My husband is 100% desi. So I also had to cook these

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Chapati. Roti. Whole wheat tortilla. Whatever.

You can add any of this stuff

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It makes the table look fancy and fools the kids into thinking this was harder to put together then it actually was.

Let me know if you try it out!

Mother’s Day Weekend

On the first night of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,

The chance to go out and watch Iron Man three!

On the second morning of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,

Two twins fighting and the chance to go out and watch Iron Man 3.

On the second afternoon of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,

Three older children screaming, two twins fighting and the chance to go out and watch Iron Man 3.

On the second evening of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,

One gone out with friends husband, three older children screaming, two twins fighting and a chance to go out and watch Iron Man 3.

On the Sunday of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,

Pancakes doused in syrup, one gone out with friends husband, three older children screaming, two twins fighting and a chance to go out and watch Iron Man 3.

On the Sunday evening of Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,

A fridge depleted of groceries, a poop filled litter box, fifty loads of laundry, innumerable dirty dishes, crayon decorated walls, Cheerios covered carpets, one seriously in trouble husband, five brawling children and I don’t even remember seeing the damned movie.

On the Monday after Mother’s day weekend my family gave to me,

An empty house full of serenity.

This is what I got Sunday morning.

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And two hand-made one of a kind bracelets made from fuzzy pipe cleaners and beads obtained from Dollarama.

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This is some of what I dealt with when everyone was finally out of the house.

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There were twice as many dishes in the sink and on the counter, and some were extracted from underneath beds and desks.

What were you treated to on Mother’s day?

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All pics courtesy of moi.

Lumpy Space Princess

I don’t know why I never watched this cartoon, but my Cauliflower introduced it to me this weekend. I wanted to write a post on Mother’s Day but I found this and have to share it. I couldn’t stop laughing. It’s so lumping funny!

Tag, You’re It!

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I was tagged by thelostkerryman for “Tagging Thyme“, thanks. You have to answer 11 weird questions then tag 11 people who would be willing to answer weird questions. I am grateful for weird people.

1. What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten in public?

Nothing terribly exotic here. I don’t eat gross stuff like escargot,  chocolate covered grasshoppers or fried snakes. And I never will. I did eat paan,ONCE,  when I was in Pakistan. That is betel leaf with yucky stuff like slaked lime (yes), tobacco and betel nut (which will break your teeth) wrapped in it. It is bitter, causes cancer and tastes like crap. Every South Asian has a thing for it. I spat it out right there in the street while being stared at by amused onlookers. I was not amused.

2. If you had to go on an adventure, with elves, dwarves, or hobbits, who would you take and why?

Well what do you think eh? Orlando Bloom, John Rhys- Davies or Elijah Wood? The elf, duh! I think the ‘why’ is self-explanatory.

3. You are at a rural retreat lodge somewhere deep in Wisconsin or Canada. You are approached by a taxidermist who hands you a stuffed badger and asks you to put it in your lap. What do you do next?

I like animals alive running around the forest with the elves.  I will probably beat the taxidermist then stuff him.

4. If you were given biscotti, would you prefer it with coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?

What the hell are those? I will have to go buy a pack, try them and get back to you. Don’t look at me like that! I have five kids, all I know about is chocolate chip cookies and Tim Horton‘s. But I like strong tea and French Vanilla Supreme.

5. In your opinion, who is the funniest man or woman alive today (comedian)

ELLEN! I love you Ellen. And you already know I love Bill Cosby. And some guy named Sugar Sammy because 1. he’s Canadian 2. he’s Indian and 3. he’s funny.

6. If you were given thirty seconds on television to say something, what would it be?

“Eh, nice weather eh?”

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7. What is your idea of the most romantic date setting ever?

I’m married to a South Asian. What the hell is romance?

8. If you could go on one date with a movie or television star, who would it be and why?

Don’t know. Ok I just don’t wanna tell you! He won’t be South Asian that’s for sure!

9. What is the worst song you have ever heard?

I don’t know about the worst song ever…actually there was one by Paul Lekakis, must be the worst ever. Whenever I hear ‘Locked out of Heaven’ by Bruno Mars I change the radio station. It really bugs me, don’t know why.

10. If you could live anywhere else, where would it be?

It would still be Canada. But I would love to be able to travel to places like Malaysia.

11. Who- in your opinion- was the greatest person to ever live?

That would have to be more than one. The Prophets, all of them. They are the best, no one can compare to their personalities.  Now I am tagging :

1. http://www.darlenefoster.ca/

2. http://mikeallegra.com/

3. http://theurgetowander.com/

4. http://snapflycook.wordpress.com/

5. http://addictivestory.wordpress.com/

6. http://catherinemjohnson.wordpress.com/ 

7. http://imdbwords.wordpress.com/

8. http://erinbradypike.com/

9. http://remediesforhealth.wordpress.com/

10. http://iamawriterdangit.wordpress.com/

11. http://seyisandradavid.org/

There were a lot of other people but I could only pick 11. I know some of you write serious blogs, but it is good to have fun once in a while!

(Pic from Google ’cause I couldn’t find the pencil sharpener eh. The other one is mine.)

It’s Always a Good Time

I yelled at the kids to go to sleep early one Saturday night in the summer vacation so we could get up early and be out of the house by eleven at the most. I woke up at 11:21. Everyone was up before me. No one realized that they could not actually leave the house if I was still snoring away. So I had to start yelling again as soon as I woke up. They just wanted to let me sleep in, isn’t that sweet? The day I need to wake up early, they finally let me sleep in. My kids make sure my vocal cords get plenty of exercise every day. The thing is I don’t really dream of being an opera singer.
After ranting about the height of negligence that my kids and their father have been endowed with, I started making brunch and packing picnic food. I had marinated the chicken the night before. Good thing I have an obsessive compulsive disorder with organization. Unfortunately this does not go good with my absent-mindedness. But that is life. Isn’t it ironic, don’t ya think?
Picnics are loads of fun with five kids. I pack enough stuff to make you believe I was going away for a month. 5-year-old twins mean you need lots of extra clothes and towels. You never know who is going to decide to get carsick. They’ve been trained to give a 5 second warning so I can catch it in a plastic bag.
So I make an Olympic record for the best time in the ‘make breakfast, feed kids, pack picnic, yell at kids to get ready, close all lids on toilet seats, feed cat, and push everyone out the door’ event. We get in the car and as soon as we are in the kids start fighting over seats. No one wants to sit at the back with the twins. I can’t blame them. Who the hell enjoys catching vomit in a plastic bag?
We had to stop to buy buns and drinks. And coal. And lighter fluid. Because husband does not have any sort of obsessive compulsive disorder and efficiently tunes out when I start listing off ‘things to do’. So I sit in the car while he buys stuff, and try to ignore the kids who are arguing about who will sit where on the way back. I receive a phone call from husband, “I can’t find the buns”.
By 1:45 we were sitting outside the second grocery store because husband could not find coal at the first. After 25 minutes he comes out smiling. Success. It took two people 25 minutes to find lighter fluid. We finally move on. On the road husband realizes someone’s door is not closed right. At the first red light we all open and slam the doors really fast, green light we drive on but one door is still not closed right.  Change radio station because no one likes the song. Yell at kids to stop yelling at each other. Next stop light, door open, door slam, door still not closed thank you ma’am. Kids still yelling at each other about whose door is not shut properly. Teenage daughter only has enough strength to hit her brother in the back of the head and that is all. For anything else her hands seem to have no life. Have to change radio station every two minutes. Husband wants to know why all the songs sound exactly the same. We pull into someone’s driveway and husband gets out to close the door shut.
Teenagers are now commenting on all the ‘swoggy’ people they see on the way. As if they are full of swag themselves. Change radio station.
At the lake finally, more bickering among offspring. Who will pick up what and why they get to pick up that particular object. Deciding on the perfect spot takes about 20 minutes, but by now I have started to tune everyone out. It is such a beautiful day. Warm and sunny. We are finally settled, I just want to get in that water. I walk in and my longed for peace is replaced with horror. The water is freezing. God dammit!
“We don’t even have to try it’s always a good time..O o o ..”
(All images are from Google Images)

 

Aachoo Season

I started a blog on blogger called Desi Mom Eh? But I am so used to word press that I didn’t have much fun, so I am moving all my stuff here. This was the first post I did:

Gross eh?

I got this from Google Images and I really hope no one sues me for using it. I didn’t have any pics of my kids’ runny noses or I would have used them. Honestly. Even if it meant them growing up with psychological problems because their mom posted a picture of their snotty noses on a blog. Anyways it is that season again when kids sneeze and manage to get slimy green mucous on everything. I have a ‘desi totka’ for you. A ‘totka’ is something old village women used. I think. That is what I always thought anyways. But I am not an old village woman. I am a stunningly beautiful, super skinny woman with five kids who doesn’t look a day over 32. Seriously. I hope my teen doesn’t read this.

My kids get really bad colds every time the season decides to change. So I take some ginger crush it and then squeeze the juice into some honey and convince my kids to get it down their throats. It actually tastes good and it is quite effective.

Take about a one inch piece and crush it in a handy-dandy mortar with a pestle which everyone usually has lying around the kitchen. Well at least desis do. If you are not a desi you can make do with a rolling-pin. No rolling-pin? You seriously need to stop buying all those microwavable dinners and actually cook once in a while then eh? Once the ginger is all crushed up it will start dripping out ginger juice. Squeeze this into a clean little jar and pour a few tablespoons of honey in. If it tastes too sharp and gingery add some more honey and you can store this. Get your kid to have a teaspoon three or four times a day. I convinced my twin girls that honey made your skin glow and your hair grow long. Yes I lie to my kids. I do it often and very convincingly.

If you, or your loved ones have been affected by the changing weather then we can help. Sorry I had once written some pages for a law firm’s website. So this is a recipe for this really awesome herbal/green/cinnamon whatever kind of tea. I am dedicating this to my friend Monica who had a really

sh—y cold today. Poor baby I hope you feel better.

Do you have?

1. Cinnamon. The one from Sri Lanka is called Ceylon cinnamon and is the best. You can get it at your nearby Indian store. This is the one you should use. Here is some good info if you are interested: http://www.healthdiaries.com/eatthis/10-health-benefits-of-cinnamon.html

2.Ginger. You can get this everywhere. Stop using those ready to eat things and do some cooking damn it! Ginger is good for lots of stuff like colds and even migraines : 10 Health Benefits of Ginger. I realize I messed up the name of the first link. Sue me.

3. Cloves. You can get this wherever you buy spices and it is easily available at all Indian stores. And you should have it in your kitchen. Really you should: Cloves Nutrition Facts.

4. Turmeric. Indian store! 20 Health Benefits of Turmeric.

In a sauce pan put three cups of water, two-inch piece of a cinnamon stick, a few thin slices of ginger ( 2 to 4 depending on how you like the taste), two to four cloves and 1/5 tsp powdered turmeric or a small piece of the solid stuff. You can use less if it bugs you too much. Boil it on low until about 2 1/2 cups remain or even just two if you like it stronger, add a little honey to sweeten it. Drink it two times a day. Or whenever you want to. This is also good after a heavy meal. Oh and it is good for weight loss too, first thing in the morning.

I hope these were helpful. What do you use in Aachoo season? aaaaachooo…..ewwww.

(All Images from Google Images)

Parents Just Don’t Understand

Sometimes after I have finished yelling at my kids, I wonder what it would be like to be in their place. Then my imagination goes a little wild and takes on different personalities, like a desi teenage boy. Here is an article I wrote for Dawn when my imagination was him.

Yo! You have crazy parents dude? Man I’m telling you they don’t understand anything. It’s like after 30 their brains stop working. And if your parents are Desi, man you have the worst type of parents ever! Desi parents? They speak desi, they think desi, they act desi, they spend desi. You can’t help but think “Yo old man why are we here? You should have kept us all in Desi Land!” And they tell you they came to give you better opportunities than they had. But man they can only think with desi brains and all those opportunities go out the backdoor. All my white friends, they don’t have it half bad. They’re lucky man. At least their parents speak the same language. Don’t believe me?

I had a pain in my tooth, had it for days man. Kept telling my mom I’ve got to see a dentist, you know what she tells me?

“Aye Allah! Who knows what that man will do to you putr! Here put this in you mouth.” Then she shoved a broken clove into my mouth and shut it so hard I almost bit my tongue off.

“This tastes like ‘bleep’ Ma!” And I tried to spit it out but she grabbed my face in her hands. Dude you won’t believe the hand muscles desi women develop from kneading all that dough!

She made me stuff cloves in my tooth for one month. Then the dentist told me I’d have to get a root canal. My old man wasn’t too happy about that. Not the pain I’d go through. The cost man! Dude, desi parents have desi wallets. Literally. My old man bought 42 wallets from his last visit to Desi Land. He got them off a thela for Rs45 each. That’s less than 45 cents. You can’t imagine his joy when he tells everyone he meets how much he saved on those wallets. You can’t imagine mine either. Anyways he tells the dentist,

“Just pull the tooth out! He doesn’t need that one much, he has plenty of others.”

“Mr Chaudry we need to eliminate the infection otherwise…” says the dentist.

“Otherwise what? No one will be willing to give their daughter’s hand in marriage to him?” says the old man.

That night he tried to pull my tooth out himself with a pair of pliers. Lucky for me I’m the only son and my mom beat him off with her rolling pin. Those desi wallets are like black holes, nothing ever seems to come out of them dude. Asking desi parents for money is like asking the cute white girl in your class to a high school dance with you. The answer is always ‘NO!’ Desi parents wait till Boxing Day to buy you stuff. Yeah they don’t give you the money. They take you shopping dude.

“Oh putr, look at this! 70 per cent off! And in your size too!” says Ma.

“Ma it’s got a picture of Justin Bieber on the front, everyone will think I’m ‘bleepin’ gay.”

“Tauba tauba! All that ‘bleep’ was not enough for you? Now this ‘bleepin’ stuff!” She’s least concerned about the Chinese couple who have covered their kids’ ears. “What is wrong with being happy? And he is such a decent boy, look at that innocent smile.”

“Ma! It’s something a kid would wear.” I try to drag her away.

“Are you not my kid?” The old man asks loudly and everyone in the shop turns to look questioningly at Ma.

“Man! Stop being so loud Dad, come on…” I try to drag them both out.

“No, this matter must be settled!” He glares at me then at Ma. “Is he not my kid?” By now there is a crowd wondering at my legitimacy. I pick up the Justin Bieber T-shirt.

“Alright! I love Justin Bieber and I want to buy his ‘bleepin’ T-shirt because I’m happy ok?” I scream and everyone gasps.

The seven dollar shirt hangs in my closet. Justin Bieber smiles at me every time I open the door to get the Rs800 Leisure Club shirt my cousin managed to send me with the old man.

Other Stuff

Since I had planned this blog to be ‘writerly’ and all about writing, I started something new for all the other stuff I often have the urge to enlighten you all with. It is here: Desi Mom Eh?

And this is yet another brilliant way I will end up not writing the next best selling novel. I am still editing the second one and the third one is jealous that I am not giving it enough attention. Which reminds me, here is an interesting post by Writerlious and something that I have been thinking of a lot lately:  Levels of Writer and Reader Discomfort.

By the way if you have a cold or your kid does or your husband, mom, sister, next door neighbor or the girl at the checkout counter in Walmart, then I have a homemade remedy for it at Desi Mom Eh? 

Oye Desi!