Desi Mom: Parenting 101

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I was born and (mostly) raised in Canada. My parents were clueless FOBs (fresh off the boat) and I blame them for my thoroughly awkward upbringing.  I was a total geeky loser in school, yes right up to high school. My post is absolutely not related to my traumatized childhood, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Canada Day 2013 003

In the many years I spent in Pakistan I learned the importance of plastic shopping bags and yogurt containers. Also that if you aren’t quick at weddings when they signal dinner, you will find there is no coke left. Or chicken broast. So don’t be shy.

Raising five monsters kids in Karachi has given me, besides nerves of steel and the amazing ability to not go pee for  48 hours, some multicultural expertise I feel I must bestow on non-desi moms.

1. You can live without water: When there is no electricity for 9 hours straight you can count on running out of water. The kids need a shower. What the hell do you think baby powder was invented for? Douse those little buggers with it. Sprinkle it in their puppy dog smelling hair and dust it out. Not only will the greasiness be replaced with powderiness, the powder will absorb all further sweating. Inevitable since there’s no electricity and its 40 degrees in the house.

2. Never throw away plastic bags: Keep plastic bags handy in the car, in all your handbags and purses even in your jeans’ pockets. Teenager 2 always got car sick as a little boy. I could catch his involuntary projectile of gastric juice without blinking. Plastic bags are also good for when there is no gas station on a road trip. Or if you are in Karachi, where the gas stations are so dirty your child would prefer to poop his pants.

3. Don’t buy toys: You know very well that once the box is opened it takes about 3 and a half minutes for the charm of that $35 toy to disappear completely. My mother-in-law could keep Middle Child busy for hours with her empty plastic pill containers. The allure lay in the fact that the containers could be closed and opened again and again and again and….

4. Kids need to be spanked: Your kid needs to know you are the boss. If you think “let’s talk about what you are feeling right now” and “we need to think about the consequences” is working than you are a dummy mummy. That is Junior knowing he got away with it by showing remorse he certainly doesn’t feel, he or she is already planning the next escapade. Spank that kid! Just ask Russel Peters…”Somebody’s a gonna get a hurt!”

5. A good sweater can be used for at least four siblings. Oh yes I did. In the span of ten years. We still have the sweater.

6. Never praise your kids in their presence: Always ask them why they can’t be more like your sister’s children, your cousin’s children, your neighbor’s children, your brother-in-law’s children, anybody’s children. It keeps them competitive, no of course it will not hurt their self-esteem.

7. Always one up other moms: Don’t let your sister, your cousin, your neighbor or anyone else have the last word on their children’s achievements. Whatever they say is 50% exaggeration, beat them with their own rules. Example? Your child got her black belt last year. So what if she was only five?

Stay posted for more Desi tips.

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I don’t share my Smarties

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I have absolutely no shame about this. I keep a stash of chocolate that I don’t share with anyone. Especially not the kids, ’cause I don’t want them to get cavities and stuff you know. Every mom needs this stash of something just for her. A stash of her favorite thing that she should eat without feeling guilty. This time I got Smarties from Dollarama. 

I kept it in my coat pocket. Yesterday when I walked the girls home from school, I sneakily ate those candy coated little bits of heaven while muahahaing inside. I felt like such a rebel.

“Ha ha ha. I am eating Smarties by myself and you guys have no idea!” Evil Me said inside my head.

“Mommy are you listening to me?” Asked Twin 1.

“Of course I am honeybun.” I smiled innocently at her, Evil Me muahahad again.

If you want to keep your sanity while dealing with all the craziness involved in raising children you need to treat yourself often.

If you are married to a Desi guy you need to indulge yourself in some secret luxury everyday. While you slave over the kitchen on the weekends while he does nothing (Desi men don’t help with house work) you can secretly gloat over the fact that you didn’t wash his 10 pairs of jeans. You just threw them in the dryer with lots of fabric freshening sheets. Oh yes I did.

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“Muahahahaha!”

 

Please don’t push your nestlings out of the nest!

sleeping with baby

(Image from The Guardian)

Co-Sleeping Benefits

You have brought your bundle of joy home from the hospital. You have a beautifully decorated room, and a crib you finally approved (your husband has still not recovered from your trip to nutsville). Now  if you put that tiny cherub in that crib with a monitor while you sleep in the next room….I don’t know who you are, but I will find you!

No, not after a couple of months either! I don’t care if you are the President’s personal secretary and need your space, sleep, silence, have to be fully functional the next day, whatever. You are a mother first. You signed up for this, you weren’t forced into it unless of course you are some weird real life version of Anastasia Steele or something creepy like that.

That gift of God has been inside you for nine months, listening to your heart, feeling your warmth, the closest any living thing will ever be to you (besides your mother). You can’t just snatch that away. I know what some of you may be thinking, it’s dangerous. That is why you were given common sense, now please start using it. You may have to make a few adjustments in your room, do it.

Studies have shown that co-sleeping is beneficial and children who co-sleep with their parents as infants are more independent and confident than those who didn’t get that security. Most Asian parents co-sleep with their infants and children usually move into their own beds when they are toddlers or a little older. Breast feeding and cuddling have both been linked to higher IQs in children. It is so much easier for Mommy if the child is sleeping with her. So before you decide to put your baby in a room by themselves, please do a little research.

Grocery Shopping

 

 

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by the Angry Woman in my head are solely her own. So is her very offensive language.

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This post is by the Angry Woman. So if bad words offend you…TOUGH SHIT!

We went grocery shopping. I’d rather have stayed home and watched Netflix, than watch dumb ass parents stock up on the worst shit out there for their junk food addicted little brats. You won’t believe the shit I see in people’s shopping carts. Parents are dumb! What kind of fucking idiot buys three boxes of Pepsi cans when junior can barely drag his 200 pound body to the bathroom to go pee out the previous five cans of fizzy poison? I wanted to shake this lady really hard. In fact she needed a good bitch slap, but Khaula is too much of a fucking sissy to stand up for that dumb ass woman’s obese offspring. That idiot mother then piled up chips, salty crackers, and sugar-coated shit cereal into her cart. Next came the ready-made meals. Boxes-of-frozen-processed-to-hell “pockets” of digestive system destroying salt, fats and calories, “Greedy Bastard’s” chicken pot pie and cans of sodium labelled “soup”. Why can’t these shitty parents spend half an hour in the fucking kitchen? Why did they have the audacity to become parents? Why is the young generation plagued by obesity, diabetes, ADHD and anxiety? Because they have dumb ass parents who can’t use fucking common sense. Wake up Goddammit!

Pour that pop down the pipe! Read this.

More Snow!

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We had more snow :) Anyways I was able to write some chapters. Hurray. Whoopie. I am still not finished. I ended up reading loads of news and conspiracy theories that should cause plenty of anxiety and depression. But not for people who love snow. So while the world may be heading for disaster, I will enjoy the snow. And everything else because when you have lived as long as I have in a city like Karachi you are a certified “I can live through anything” so might as well enjoy the ride.

A couple of days ago when the offspring were afflicted with sniffles and coughs I had to hold them down and pour disgusting purple colored grape smelling syrups through funnels I jammed in their mouths.

Twin 2: “If Mommy was my kid, I’d make her drink this stuff ALL THE TIME!” She was reasonably upset.

Well it comes with the season, can’t avoid it. But here is a better tasting alternative :http://khaulamazhar.wordpress.com/2012/10/16/aachoo-season/ If you can get the kids to drink this it is really good for them. Besides being good for colds ginger and turmeric are good for detoxifying other icky stuff you don’t want running rampant in your body. Happy Snow!

 

 

 

Attention Moms!

I had planned on posting something different, but I came across this and felt it is very important. Some time ago I got a letter from the Public Health Services. It was for a vaccination for my teenage daughter. I misplaced the letter and forgot about it. I am glad I did.

Otherwise I would have just gone and gotten my daughter vaccinated without any questions. But since I have started this novel I am writing I have been reading endless news articles that you won’t find on the evening news, conspiracy theories, cover ups, and stuff that just makes you wonder about the things you thought you knew. I have started to question and I feel like I am waking up.

I found the letter and decided to read about this vaccine, we didn’t have it when we were kids. It is the HPV vaccine. If you have not gotten your kids vaccinated then don’t, at least not before you see these links. I have decided I am not going to risk my daughter’s health or even life, you can decide for yourself.

What They Don’t Want You To Know About HPV Vaccines (Videos)

30 stunning facts they don’t want you to know about Gardasil and HPV vaccines

Learn more: http://naturalnews.com/037154_Gardasil_HPV_vaccines_scientific_facts.html##ixzz2kRxNQkZV

 

Gardasil – the Cervical Cancer Vaccine? FDA Approval Not Based On Actual Cancer Prevention

There are tons of other articles if you are still not sure, however after watching the video I had made my decision. I hope this post was helpful to moms out there, please share so others can benefit.

(Google image of Emile Munier oil painting)

Spelling Bee

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Okay I didn’t have a bee costume. So spelling Fairy.

 

Twin One:  I asked Patchy (our cat) two questions and she got them both right!

Me:  Wow she must be a smart cat.

Twin One:  She is. I am smart too.

Me:  Yes I think you are pretty smart.

Twin One:  I can spell Birthday. I learnt it myself b-i-r-t-h and then d-a-y!

Me: (In the most impressed tone possible) Wow. That is great!

Twin One:  You know what else I can spell?

Me:  Tell me.

Twin One:  I can also spell  dog pooh. D-o-g  p-o-o-h!

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(Bee sticker photo courtesy of Twin One)

Dear parents, you need to control your kids. Sincerely, non-parents

khaula mazhar:

This was so good I had to reblog it.

Originally posted on The Matt Walsh Blog:

To the fan I lost yesterday:

I don’t owe you an explanation, but I thought I’d offer one anyway. I do this more for your sake than mine. You see, maybe, as you later suggested, I was in a bad mood. Maybe I could have been a bit more polite about it. Maybe I’m more sensitive to it now that I have kids. Maybe I’m just sick of hearing these comments about parents. Maybe I know that my wife has to take the twins with her when she goes grocery shopping sometimes, so she could easily be on the receiving end of your sort of bullying. Maybe I took it personally.

Whatever the case, there I was, walking down the aisles of the grocery store looking for the ingredients for a new chili recipe I wanted to try. I heard the kid screaming from a distance; the whole store heard…

View original 1,453 more words

God Bless Schools for Finally Opening

During the summer vacation I finished writing my awesome book, impressed every agent I queried, landed a million dollar …no two million dollar book deal and my book is out this October. Hah! I joke. I woke up late every morning to the sound of squabbling, made a large breakfast for all the offspring, tried in vain to broom Cheerios from every corner of the house, ignored lunch time and convinced myself everyone needed to diet, pretended to be deaf while teenager complained about everything and under twelves fought about everything, tried out new exotic recipes for dinner amid constant pleas for mercy and ended the day by watching Netflix till my eyes could not be forced to stay open any longer. During all this excitement we also had Ramadan and we moved. For some mysterious reason husband decided this was the best time to not hire movers. Have mini-van will move.

ME: “Who the hell is gonna pick up all the heavy stuff?”

HIM: “We don’t have heavy stuff.”

ME: “What about the furniture?”

HIM:”We aren’t taking it.”

Silence.

ME: “Well we can’t leave it here and they charge you to have someone come pick it up, then we have to buy new furniture… so how is that saving money?”

Silence.

ME: “I’ll sell it.”

HIM: Laughing. Laughing some more. Still laughing. “No one is going to buy all that junk!”

ME: ( 10 days later holding up a large sum of money all fanned out, singing “I love it” in my head) “Look at all the money I made selling the ‘junk’.” I love Kijiji.

Kijiji is so addictive, you can sell anything there. I am thinking of selling the kids and husband as a ‘buy five get one free’ deal.

Other summer vacation stuff:

The beach, a birthday, Mississauga celebration square, the zoo, Niagara Falls….

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What did you guys do in summer vacation?