From Frumpy to Fashionista

Okay maybe not fashionista, but this is as close as I am going to get. Life is short, this may be my only chance to be cool. Or at least convince a couple friends I’m cool. So I am owning it. Excuse me a second while I cut off a really bad hangnail…aah that feels so much better. I couldn’t find the nail cutter so I just used my teeth, you’ve all done it too so don’t judge me.

Anyways. I was that frumpy kid in the class. The brown girl. The one whose immigrant parents went shopping to the equivalent of what is now …um…actually I don’t think they have anything that bad anymore. Oops never mind, God bless the internet, Google has informed me that Bi-Way is going to be resurrected. I am so sorry all you children of immigrant parents, I feel for you. I was there. I got through it. You too will survive. Maybe even become a fashionista. I was the brown girl with the bad haircut in dark green nylon bellbottoms. With shirts that can’t even be described.  It was traumatic. I still get nightmares. To top it off it was the 80’s. Even the fashionable fashion was something you never want to remember. Those awful white short shorts that George Michael wore ugh I bet he’s rolling over in his grave right now. RIP George, I will speak of it no more.

So back to the point, yes I do get distracted, because life is short so I’m cramming, gotta get all my thoughts and memories out there. Don’t want to miss anything. I am now a fashionista. I know this because I go to a lot of events. I mean like there are some weeks where every night is spent out. That’s a lot of events for the lame brown girl turned fashionista. At these events, ladies will come right up to me and tell me they love what I am wearing. Then they will happily listen to the story behind where this incredible said outfit came from. That makes me a legitimate fashionista. So I have started reading up on fellow fashionistas. I don’t understand the language, or I do but don’t want to admit that I don’t exactly fit into those categories. For example, Queen of Fierce Outfit Inspiration, um no I need way more clothes than that, that is something that most people don’t even dare to wear at the beach. Also me+hijab. Total Boss Girls With Badass Style. I guess not. Not boss girl, even my cats don’t take me seriously.  Bold Prints, Graphics and Cuts. I don’t even know what that means. Monochromatic Street Style. I am too old to get on a skateboard and I don’t know if insurance will cover all the damage.  So where are the women my age? The ones who wear normal stuff and still look nice but all the cool people refuse to acknowledge? Is there a name for us? I will be fashionista to the underrepresented and marginalized. I have made my own category and I am going to own it. #fashionistatotheunderrepresented because that sounds better than #fashionistatothelame

My fashionista outfit for today’s event, the Arts on the Credit Tour. It got many compliments, thank you very much. I also wore it to an Opening Reception at Artworld Fine Art. Yes, I repeat outfits. So does Kate Middleton. I bought this gorgeous blue printed silk dupatta (long fabric draped over shoulders) in Lahore once. I have had it for years ( I will not admit to how many) when I recently went to Karachi I took it with me and bugged a tailor till he caved and sewed it to my specifications. He doubted my fashion sense at every step. I wish I could go tell him I was right and he was wrong. Whatever. I wore it with a neutral coloured tee shirt and creme coloured cotton trousers because it is still summer. I don’t care that pumpkin spice everything is now available.

This long cardigan style thingy can be worn over anything and make it look super elegant. I could wear it with ratty old jeans and a dirty tee-shirt and still look decent to go to a party. Also dangly earings help. When all else fails pull out the dangly earrings and wear them. Plus to all my fellow hijabis, turban style hijabs are life. Wrap that scarf around your head like a queen and no one will know you haven’t ironed it ever. Do wash them sometimes though. Please. No one wants to smell that unwashed hair aroma.

How gorgeous do my paintings look on those walls?

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Extreme Parenting or How to Fix Your Obnoxious Brat

bratty kids 3

You know that parent you find in random aisles when you go shopping? The one with a UNICEF Ambassador’s concerned expression and the tact of a woodland creature surrounded by hungry wolves?

tantrum

Their child is sprawled on the floor causing a ruckus that would shame a South American howler monkey. And they stand there being a good parent and continue to give this writhing, howling hell child “choices”.

“Honey, you can’t have both, you have to make a choice. Do you want the (sugar laden, cavity causing, hyper-activity trigger) cereal (made with loads of genetically modified stuff) or do  you want the (excessively salty) chips (full of saturated fatty acids that will be sure to make you a candidate for cardiovascular diseases in the future) ?”

Devil spawn gets up glares at the parent and knocks down everything on the bottom two shelves. Because it couldn’t reach any higher than that. Not effective parenting.

I say, yes give the child choices. In fact I would give the child three choices.

“I can either whoop your ass: 1 here, 2 at home or 3 you can shut up.”

Being a bad ass parent literally means you have to be bad ass.

bratty kids 4

My dad’s cousins were bad ass mothers. These aunts of mine, they are oh so awesome! To this day they evoke respect and can make their grown sons shake in their boots. They believed in extreme parenting. Once one of their very young sons let them know that the story about the stork bringing babies was a lie, babies came from tummies. My aunt’s reply?

“Really? Well come here and I’ll cut your tummy open, let’s see how many babies we can find.”

Needless to say, the son never questioned the authenticity of her explanations again. Their children did not throw tantrums. Sometimes being extreme is the best option.

Some Extremely Effective Options:

1. Your child needs to go pee and refuses to acknowledge this. Options:

“Honey your bladder will burst and you will have a pipe attached to a pee pee bag that you will carry around for the rest of your life. Or you can go to the bathroom and save me a trip to the hospital.”

2. Your child can’t fall asleep because it is too hot. Even with the A.C working perfectly. Options:

“Honey I can stick you in the freezer. Or you can just go to sleep in your bed. Immediately.”

3. Your child can’t fall asleep because it is too cold. Replace ‘freezer’ with ‘oven’ in above option.

4. Your child is unhappy with you because you are an unfair mother. Options:

Pack a bag with some of their clothes and drive them to an ominous looking building. “This is the place for children with moms that aren’t fair. There are no x-boxes, no ipods, no birthday parties and no snacks ever. They are served only with leftovers, they wash their own dishes and clothes, and no one tucks them in at night or tells them stories. You can stay here or you can come back with me and live with my rules.”

Teens?

5. Your teenagers don’t listen. Ever. They don’t even deserve an option, post their bare bummed baby pics on Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter. Don’t forget to tag them. Another great pic is the ‘first time on potty’ pic.

6. They forgot to take out the trash? Dump it on their bed, that should improve their memory.

7. They don’t put away their stuff? Throw it in the driveway.

8. They don’t like what you cook? Kick them out of the dining room and lock the pantry. After two days of starving everything will taste gourmet.

And every night at bedtime don’t forget to tell them how much you love them. BTW I have used #s 1, 2,3,4, and 7. Extremely effective.

bratty kids 2

 

(all pics from Google Images)

Daily Prompt: Celebrity

I wasn’t planning on doing a post today, but I just couldn’t stop this poem from getting out:

Celebrity

I’m a celeb ri ty,

Don’t care what you think of me.                                        Kim

I pose in my un der wear,                                                                                 Russel

Don’t shave my arm pit hair.

Julia

I get just what I want,

hilton

Eat in any res tau rant.

Why r u always trashin’ me?

Miley

Full of hate ‘n jeal ou sy!

I’m always in the news,

I love drin kin’ booze.

Paris drunk

Look at that pic of me!

Damn I look  s ex y!

Brittany

So what it’s a mug shot?

You’re never gonna look that hot!

Justin

I’m a celeb ri ty,

Don’t you dare hate on me!

My life’s so dif fi cult,

So don’t be so cri ti cal!

luxury

I’m the center of the Universe,

Everything else’s just ludicrous!

Gaga

Disclaimer: No intention of hate, I love these guys as much as you all do, they keep us so entertained! But I couldn’t resist having a little fun. (all pics from Google images)

Desi Problems versus White People Problems

Last summer when I took the animals offspring to the park one beautiful lazy Saturday, I overheard a ‘white guy’ conversation about ‘white people’ problems. He was complaining about what a pain in the ass his ex-wife was. I felt sorry for him, of course I don’t know what her side of the story was. Maybe he was just a pathological liar. Some months later in a different park, I overheard a conversation between a young  wife and her husband. I wonder if this makes me a pathological eavesdropper?

Anyways she was very loudly telling her husband just what she thought of him. Both these people had a lot of complaints and it was funny to me because ‘desi people’ problems are so ridiculously extreme compared to (some) white people problems.

Desi container

White Husband Problem: “Man my wife was so pissed, I forgot our anniversary again!”

Desi Husband Problem:  “Vat the hell is this? You call this roti? I wouldn’t feed this to dog on street! I’m going to my sister’s house!”

roti

White Wife Problem:  “My husband is such a jerk, he never puts the dishes away after washing them! I am so totally fed up of his crappy habits!”

Desi Wife Problem: “Hai Rubba! Vite men vash dishes?!”

desi woman

White People Problem: “Oh my God I still can’t decide where we are going to go for vacation this summer and I need to book seats or we won’t get them in time!”

Desi People Problem: “Niagara Falls? Do you know how much ve vill have to pay for parking just to see all that vater go down a cliff? Ven it starts going up, tell me, I vill pay to see that.”

White Mom in the Morning: “Honey wake up or we are going to be late!”

Desi Mom in the Morning: “Oye kumbakhton! Get up lazy good for nothings before I bring jug of ice vater!”

White Girl Problem: “My mom said I can’t have like more than $300 to buy a dress for the semi-formal can you like believe that?”

Desi Girl Problem: Desi Mom to Daughter : “Semi-formal, vat semi-formal? How do you expect to be a doctor if you are always out for mutter gush and not studying?”

Desi bus

Would you like to add any problems?

(all pics from Google..just google Desi problems!)

Reading to Children

sarah gives thanks

I love reading to my children. Uhh..I loved it with kid 1 and 2. By kid 3 it was more the guilt and with 4 and 5 my life depends on it. They tie my hands and threaten to ingest large amounts of sugar and coffee if I don’t tell them a bedtime story.

We have a great collection of books and the kids love trips to the library for new ones. We got a new book in December. I sort of won a contest on a blog, not really won sort of won. So Mike Allegra, heylookawriterfellow, sent me  this beautiful book he wrote. Sarah Gives Thanks is a great book. The story is touching, informative and it teaches kids to never give up. It is inspiring and it is true. My kids loved it and I think every parent should add it to their kids’ collection.

Another tear jerker book I love is Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. If you don’t have it or haven’t read it, get it and read it to your kids immediately. Besides these I adore the wacky ones, anything by Roald Dahl and Dr. Seuss are must haves for your children’s book shelves. They are just so much fun to read.

Reading to young children helps turn them into readers for life and you can find many studies that link reading to success, so get bedtime stories into your schedule!

What do you enjoy reading to your kids? Which book do they love to hear over and over?